Duckspeak: With Apologies to George Orwell

It has been ten days since the government committed highway robbery. Some call it handing down a budget. The nightmares continue. In the dead of night Premier Duh-wyte, dripping sincerity from his pharmaceutical face, utters strange words from deep within his gullet as he rifles through my pockets in the closet. I wake up shivering, in a cold rage, with vague thoughts of inventing a giant flushing mechanism which I will secretly install at the top of Confederation Building here in the city.

I am comforted somewhat by the rediscovery of one of my favourite books, 1984, by George Orwell. I urge you to rush out and buy this book at once before the new 10% book tax kicks in, along with the 19% gas tax, the 5% diesel tax which translates into a 5% food tax, the Muskrat Falls levy, and all the other taxes. But I understand if you put off buying anything for a while.

George has inspired me to invent a set of exercises to reduce stress, control my rage, and deal with dark ruminations of revenge--'crimethink' as he calls it. But I will let you in on that later.

First I want to tell you about "Duckspeak." According to George, Duckspeak means "to quack like a duck" or "to speak without thinking." Duckspeak can be good or 'ungood' (bad) depending on who is speaking, and whether it aligns with Big Brother's (aka Premier Duh-wyte's) shallow ideas. To speak rubbish and lies may be "ungood," but to do so for the good of 'The Party' may be good. Duckspeak is written up by the PR hacks in Premier Duh-wyte's office and then communicated to his underlings who pass it on to you and I on social media, radio, and TV.

Just so you know what I'm talking about I will give you some examples of lines recently spoken by politicians and senior civil servants. A plain language translation is included in brackets:

"Because mismanagement has denied us flexibility, taxes have been reset..."(We really screwed up but it's somebody else's fault and you're going to have to pay for it anyway.)

"We will reduce the tax burden for the most vulnerable." (If you make less that $25,000 a year, the good news is we will give you $3.85 a day. The bad news is we will cut the $1000 family allowance for each child, you will pay 19% more for gas. No more free drugs, no free dental care, no food subsidy (if you live in Labrador). You pay a lot more for booze and cigarettes. You now get $15,000 a year. Have a good life.)

"We will hold ourselves accountable." (Whatever happened over the past 25 years, that doesn't count. Please believe us.)

"We are closing down our central kitchen and establishing a 'cuisine center'. Our patients will be able to choose a meal from optional dining plans just like in a restaurant. Their meals will be delivered on-site and heated by microwave technology." (We have this shitty warehouse with freezers full of crap which we will stuff into zip-loc bags and heat in the microwave. And, oh yes, do you prefer baloney and spuds or spuds and baloney?)

"Our special needs seniors will be 'transitioned' from Masonic Park Care Home to space at the Miller Centre." (We're going to drive those poor buggers out of their beds and put them in a warehouse that we are not using.)

"Going forward, we will optimize stakeholder engagements in order to establish best practice planning at the front line." (I have no idea what the hell this means)

We will disincentivize waste and rebase our programs. (Is 'disencentivize' even a word? Duckspeak at its best.)

Blind trust. (I'm going to make myself really rich at this stuff. Suckers!)

But as I was saying I have been inspired to develop this great exercise program which will assist with anger management and enable you to sleep better. It requires only two minutes out of your busy day preferably after the CBC or NTV News at 7 p.m. The program is called "The Two Minute Hate."

You will need a TV, a video of Premier Duh-wyte talking about a stronger tomorrow, a picture of your government representative (optional), a slice of stale bread.

Remove the coffee table in front of the TV so you have lots of space. Start the video. Pinch off bits of the stale bread and throw it at the TV screen all the while jumping up and down, waving your fist, and screaming (obscenities are permitted unless there are children or clergymen in the room). Continue routine for two minutes exactly. Pick up the bits of bread as you will need these for stuffing the dead raven you will eat on Xmas Day.

I can testify that I have used the program for two days now. My overall sanity has improved dramatically. Or not. A voice has just told me that big brother is watching me.

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