My Recent Adventures
After my ingenious escape from the city I have been operating incognito, wandering like Mary of the Wild Moor through the rugged back country of Newfoundland and Labrador in order to evade the persistent pursuers dispatched by Big Eddie, Minister of Outports, Al (the Pirate) Hawkins, Minister of Ferries, Dr. Dale, Minister of Illiteracy, gormless Premier Duh-wite and all the others. As I recount my dangerous journeys I am reminded constantly of the words of Lord Byron, "Tis strange--but true; for truth is always strange; stranger than fiction."
I am presently ensconced in a safe place with access to satellite communication so I am able to relate new and incredible feats of derring-do in my conflict with the Forsaken Posse at Confederation Building in our fair city.
The stories to follow are taken directly from my journals which I have painstakingly penned on parchment (with a burnt stick) during all the lonely nights living in caves, bough-wiffins, and igloos throughout my troublesome trek.
In the words of Dr. (I'm a real doctor) Hagee, Minister of Warehouses for Seniors and the Disabled, summer is now 'transitioning' into fall. As the forest dresses in its autumn colors, I continue my incredible flight from the clutches of Premier Duh-wite and his Forsaken Posse. My escapes have been nothing if not miraculous--a testimony to my fortitude and strength of character, although I remain somewhat destitute as each month my personal financial security is further squeezed.
Soon I will be as penniless as the Newfoundland and Labrador teachers who have been asked to scrounge from Walmart and garbage cans to find teaching materials for their classrooms.
Which of course brings to mind Dr. Dale, Minister of Illiteracy, otherwise known as the leech from Lord's Cove who was of a mind to close 52 community libraries in the province thereby ensuring his legacy (and ours) as the laughing-stock of Canada. The great unwashed in the outports found Dr. Dale's snotty voice, self-righteous demeanor, and Lucifer leer as one bridge too far. Insurrection was in the air. Dr. Dale retreated behind Big Eddie's wall to rethink his strategy.
Soon, Dr. Dale slunk from his silent seclusion and handed $200,000 to his bagmen, Ernst & Young, and asked them to find out why he had come up with such a hair-brained scheme in the first place. The whole exercise had descended into farce.
I have since learned through the outport grapevine that Dr. Dale has doubled down like Donald Trump on the obnoxious allegation that I am responsible for the downfall of his library scheme. "He has been sowing sedition all along the seacoast," he complained to Big Eddie one day.
Big Eddie promised to track my trail to the ends of creation and bring me once again before Judge Andrew (Roy Bean) Parsons, Minister of Laws.
As a first step, Big Eddie (now also known as the Godfather) hired one of his relatives, Georgie (Corleone) Joyce. Georgie liked to say (in his best Al Pacino growl) to everybody he met, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". Big Eddie placed him deep undercover to sniff out significant signs of my activity beyond the wall.
Big Eddie then leaned on Premier Duh-wite to hire the relentless sleuth, Paula (Mantracker) Walsh, ex of Her Majesty's Royal Newfoundland Constabulary to head up a special squad dedicated to my capture. With the addition of two ponderous ponies from the mounted unit of the Constabulary, all was in readiness.
Stay tuned for the next exciting episode.